Journey of Faith Friday - Seasons of Doubt

My friend Amber started a neat idea a couple of weeks ago called Journey of Faith Friday where she encourages her friends to blog about a topic for the week to show milestones of how God has brought us through. This week is about doubt.

Wow, where to begin? A weakness of mine throughout my life has definitely been worry. I worry way too much about things that don't matter. Really, there isn't anything worth worrying about. God's got it all in His control. But there are way too many times when I don't realize that, which then lends me to worrying and a sense of doubt.

I remember one of the first times I had a serious sense of doubt. My sophomore year in college, I applied to a variety of camps that I wanted to work at for the summer. Up until that point, I had easily gotten jobs (okay, I only had had two, but they were basically handed to me). So when camp counselor job after job fell through, I was very discouraged. I thought I knew that God's will was for me to be a camp counselor that summer. Why wasn't He coming through?! Then, when I was almost to the point of quitting, another job possibility opened up at a camp I never, ever thought I'd work for. The interview went great and I left feeling good about it, but not thinking that I really would be excited about working there. A couple weeks later, I received a letter saying I had gotten a camp counselor job there...as a counselor of students with special needs. I was not overjoyed. I had pictured a summer of swimming in lakes, horseback riding, doing ropes courses with groups of girls that I could really reach out to. Working with girls with special needs seemed very demanding and not all that enjoyable. I remember thinking, God, I really don't want this job. I don't feel like doing it....but also clearly hearing Him answer that He gave it to me for a reason and I needed to take it.

So, I hesitantly took the position, trying the thank Him for the opportunity. And it turns out, He knew best (go figure). That summer was for sure the most challenging and demanding of jobs I have ever had. Changing a teenager's diaper and feeding a high school student her meal as though she were a 1-year-old were not easy. I had to rely on God more that summer than I had ever before in my life. There were times during my breaks when I would cry and wonder if I could handle the rest of the summer. The following song by Sara Groves was my "theme song" of the summer:

Painting Pictures of Egypt by Sara Groves

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

I felt like I wanted to go back to the comforts of life before that summer. To the "Egypt" which is what I knew. I didn't want to be in this uncomfortable situation, being challenged more than I ever had, but I knew I couldn't go back. I was a changed person, for the better.

God showed me so much that summer about His character through those beautiful girls. He was more faithful than I could have imagined. It was the hardest, most rewarding, most wonderful summer. Despite having so much doubt before I went (and even while I was there), I can look back and see how HE knew best.

Many times since then, He's shown up. Most of the time not when I expect it. I've doubted and wondered how it would work out, and then He'd show me....in HIS time. Like 2 years ago when John and I got married. We knew God wanted us to move into Tampa to be closer to church and because He was going to use us, but that meant we left behind our jobs and trusted Him. When John and I got married in Michigan, we were both jobless. We went on our honeymoon having no idea what the future held. I doubted. I worried. I thought, "how in the world will God work this out?!" We came back to Tampa after our time in Michigan and on our honeymoon and not 2 days later did we both have jobs. God pulled through, again. Just in His timing, not our own.

I find myself in a similar position today. Wondering about how God will pull through in certain situations when it pertains to just John and me is one thing. Wondering the same when my child is thrown into the equation is completely different. I have worried. I have been anxious and doubted more times than I care to admit throughout this pregnancy. I won't go into too many details yet because I can't, but despite doubting how God will provide in this situation, He has once again shown up. THIS week has been the most amazing and God has showered down so many blessings that it is almost humorous...and all after my due date, but before she's arrived.

God continues to be faithful throughout my seasons of doubt, most of the time showing up in ways I don't expect and at times I don't expect. But He's there through it all. I just need to remember the standing stones He's already given us.

AND the verse that He's given me, especially to get through this previous season of doubt:

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (fear), but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

He's in control and wants me to rest in His power and His love. NOT to look to myself where I find doubt and fear. After all, it's gotten me nowhere so far.